My dearest reader, I think we’ve become close during this time spent together. I feel a level of intimate propinquity, just by the nature of the somewhat embarrassing data I’ve shared so far regarding my health endeavors. I may list your full name, if ever called on, under the heading “trusted confidant”, merely based on your attentiveness during my awkward tales, with never so much as a derisive snicker. You’re doing me a solid, brah.
Now then. Since I’ve gotten that out of the way, I’d like to share some of the difficulties of being the only male at Jazzercise. It will be like a little therapy session between us, where I can unburden myself of some of these worrisome, often heavy emotional topics that plague a man’s consciousness during the early hours of the morning and keep him from restful sleep. On some level, the only respite I have is that I know these are deep, existential quandaries that most of us face when we stop to ponder life’s mysteries; ones that Prophets and Holy Men have prayed for without response, and the great philosophers of the ages have grappled with for millenia to no conclusion.
Jazzercise Problem #1: How much should I commit to a Booty Pop?
Jazzercise is a fully choreographed experience, with each song having a series of dance moves that go with it that you learn and eventually perfect. Some songs are comprised of a lot of jumping from foot to foot, weight transfers, and heavy plyometric moves that use your body weight for resistance. Other songs, notably Latin sounding ones, have a lot of hip / pelvis movement and salsa-style dancing. My favorite ones are the more kick-boxing oriented, usually done to techno music, with powerful jabs and punches and elbows throws in rapid succession.
The problematic ones I really don’t know how to handle, as a man, are the ones that are obviously written to show off movements we would consider very feminine, and vaguely sexual. For example, the “Booty Pop” is a move that resembles the hands-on-knees, butt stuck out, squatting, Betty Boop signature pose. There’s also moves like Shoulder Shimmies, where you shake your boobs from side to side, if one is lucky enough to be a woman sporting some, or unlucky enough to be a man sporting some. I feel I will never master this move, like I’ve been robbed of the very means of execution, and just limply twitch my torso about until the move is over like some palsied eunuch. There’s other ones, too, that come up maybe once or twice during a set if I have an instructor who likes girly songs. (Between us, the Meghan Trainor tunes like “your lips are moving” and “all about the bass” are just a menagerie of these choreographed feminine moves in rapid succession that make me wonder if I should just run in place during them, lest I look like a teenage girl in a summer camp talent show.)
How much should I really try to “sell” the Booty Pop and commit to perfecting the movement before I just look like a creepy weirdo? Its’s one of those issues i’m just going to have to put a pin in and report back on later, as my feelings mature on it.