There’s not a square to spare

Hello, intrepid spirit.  Today is a wonderful day – the weather is slowly warming and the snow is totally melted.  Yesterday I rode my Vespa for the first time all year, a sure sign that spring is about to break.  Beforehand, I texted my wife: “Today I will ride my Vespa to Jazzercise”  which may go down as being the least manly thing ANYONE has ever said to anyone, ever.

The center I go to is basically a mile away, all via neighborhood back roads and driving around a large park my house is adjacent to.  There was a big crowd of teenage skateboarders in the park, and I beeped the anemic buzzer of a horn at them in greeting.  Vintage Vespas have practically inaudible horns, conveying the sense of urgency of a polite elderly British man clearing his throat to get someone’s attention; so weak that usually bystanders can’t even determine where the sound is coming from. Folks were walking down the main street area and kids stopped to look at me, and were met with more buzzer horn.  I was just happy to be warm and in the sun, but I’m sure more than one of their parents thought I was a very friendly but lonely weirdo on his way to do something questionable, which is only partially true.

what people were thinking as i puttered by
The normal response to seeing a 6’5″ man riding a little Vespa in workout clothing

I am down about 10 pounds from when I started weighing myself, a month ago. (Started at 228, now at 218)   I’m at the point where there are major physical changes going on.  My little spare tire belly I had been so carefully fostering with Little Caesars deep dish pizza and Cookie Cakes, purchased not for a child’s birthday party but rather for my sole enjoyment, has already receded noticeably. For the first time in a long time I feel like I could expose my shirtless body in public without someone throwing a garden tarp over me and then scolding me for ruining their child’s piano recital.

I can't believe i ate the whole cookie cake
I can’t believe i ate the whole cookie cake

I am currently frustrating my wife by trying to maximize my fitness improvements through calorie counting using the “My Fitness Pal” app, aka  “I ate 3 Reese’s Peanut Butter eggs and a bag of Baked Lays at 2am when i got up to let the dog out, for a total of 380 calories.”  Of all the fitness apps that I have used over time, this one is easily the best, but it does cause some conflict around the house. Melissa rolls her eyes when I ask how many cups of Farfalle pasta we just ate, or how many teaspoons of ranch dressing she thought was on the salad for dinner, and whether it was light or full fat ranch.

I mail ordered a pair of these but they still haven't arrived!
I am a man of action.  I require action pants with an extra large snack sack, for cookie cake storage

Melissa is on a different diet kick – she and some of her friends just started doing the “Squares” diet yesterday, aka the “Beachbody diet”.   You purchase a pack of various sized and colored Tupperware containers, and use them to control your portions.  You’re allowed 3 large green containers full of veggies each day, for example, but only one of a very tiny sized pink container used for sweets.  Do you remember the episode of Simpsons where the tractor-trailer full of Sugar crashes in front of Homer’s house and he steals a bunch of it and tries to sell it as his own?   I swear the whole “Squares” diet started because a Tupperware-bearing truck wiped out in front of some enterprising businessman’s house, and as he stared at the boxes piled to the ceiling of the garage he thought “how can I sell Tupperware at a 1000% markup to people with discretionary income?”   And so the Squares diet was born.

it's just that simple!
How the hell am i going to fit a cookie cake in there?

Anyways, whatever silly thing you are trying to do to get healthy, keep at it.  I’ll keep you appraised of any entertaining squares stories.

*EDIT*  Melissa just texted to tell me that Starburst don’t count against this diet because they are already square, so she feels justified in eating a handful.

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There’s not a square to spare

2 thoughts on “There’s not a square to spare

  1. This is a good question. I told Melissa this morning that we need to go and troll the Beachbody diet forum with assertions that are completely uninformed. We could talk about how we were able to fit an entire cookie cake into a full day worth of tupperware containers, act like it’s going to be a solid diet, and just infuriate people.

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